There are things I am not really ready to think of, not now. There are things that I'd rather not notice.
Like the expression on her face today when I said I already sacrificed everything to my dream of going away. I probably realised it today myself: I sacrificed everything, my family and my friends, my need of love, my romantic personality and my writing along with it. I gave up on everything else because I don't want anything to stop me. And the look on her face, maybe I just dreamed it, but it was like she was telling me “Than there is no way we are going to have anything, isn't it?”. And she got it, I know she understood me perfectly. She understood what I told her yesterday about being crazy, she listened to me while I explained her my favourite poem, my favourite sculpture, my favourite book, all created by crazy people. And indeed the fact that she understood me, or at least the fact that I think she did, makes me want to cry, because I know that, whether I like it or not, I will sacrifice a possible thing with her, just like everything else.
I don't know what I want to do in the future, I'm so scared of thinking about the future that I don't even dare to dream.
This morning I saw a couple kissing and smiling and hugging. And the only thing I've been able to think has been: I don't think I will ever be able to look like that. And yet I did it, a long time ago, I looked that crazy, that lost in another world. So I have to rephrase: I don't think I will ever be able to look like that again.
I am so damn scared that, after years of sacrificing my love and my dreams to my great escape, I won't be able to be myself again, not even in a place that could grant me happiness.
I can't say I'm unhappy here. I am happy: I have friends and a bike and trees and spring. But that's all, I don't ask for anything else because I know I don't have to love this place too much. It's easy to be happy when all you ask for is a bike and green.